Review - Slow Food For Fast Lives Bars

Brand:  Slow Food For Fast Lives

Flavor:  Various

Where to get it: here @ Abe's Market

                I’ve had savory bars before, so I don’t have that mental roadblock of expecting all bars to taste like some combination of cereal, chocolate, and peanuts. I thought I would really like these, as I read through the ingredients. I was so wrong. A penny with a hole in it couldn’t have been more wrong than I was. Holy spit it OUT, Batman. The spice flavors are the prevailing flavor in all 4 of the bars that I tried, and not in a good way. It was like doing the cinnamon challenge with curry, at one point. I love the packaging, and the bars look attractive when you unwrap them, but dang, I just can’t with these.

                               

Tastes like:  Horrible rotten spices

Taste rating:  0/10

Qualities:  Gluten-free, all natural, Non-GMO

What’s in it:

Review - Raw Rev Glo Creamy Peanut Butter & Sea Salt Bar

Brand:  Raw Rev Glo

Flavor:  Creamy Peanut Butter & Sea Salt

Where to get it:   

                 Dear Barmakers, The World ‘Round:  Stop it with the pictures. Just stop. You’re getting yourself an initial, one-bar sale due to the picture on the wrapper. Then, when I find out that the product tastes nothing like what’s on the wrapper, I a) never buy it again, b) recommend it to no one, and c) rant about it in cyberspace.

                I find this increasingly problematic when your bar doesn’t actually taste BAD, it just doesn’t taste like you lead me to believe it was going to. So now I’m let down by your product, when I may have been like, ehhh, that was a decent bar. NO MORE!

                 The picture on this wrapper COULD NOT BE MORE APPETIZING to me. A glob of peanut butter with salt crystals the size of corn kernels? GET IN ME. The problem here is…the bar actually tastes like a glob of natural, unsalted peanut butter. Now, that’s not a yucky flavor, but come on. You built me up so well, then fed me a brick of peanut sawdust. This does not please me. (The ingredients on this are pretty great though, I will grudgingly add.)

               

Tastes like:  Unsalted peanut butter

Taste rating:  4/10

Qualities:  Gluten-free, Non-GMO, Kosher, vegetarian, vegan

What’s in it:

Review - Little Bread Hen Flatbed Crackers

Brand:  Little Bread Hen

Flavor:  Flatbread Crackers

Where to get it: 

                 “Little Bread Hen,” what a great name! I really love it, and I also like the packaging and the small portion size available in these. They’re great little dipper crackers, but they don’t have a traditional cracker crunch. The texture is more akin to rice crackers, a but shiny on the outside, and chewy-ish before you get to the crunchy part of them. They have a good amount of salt on them, and taste just fine. If you like the mouth-feel of rice crackers, I highly recommend these little bits from Little Bread Hen.

                 

Tastes like:  Crunchy gummy crackers

Taste rating:  6/10

Qualities:  Gluten free, no artificial ingredients, non-GMO, Made in the USA

What’s in it:

Review - Laiki Rice Crackers

Brand:  Laiki       

Flavor:  Red and Black Rice Crackers

Where to get it: here @ LaikiCrackers.com

                                I’ve never been a fan of rice crackers. I don’t like their smooth surfaces, their resistance to being smashed satisfactorily between my teeth, or their smug puffiness. When I received these Laiki crackers, I almost gave them to my coworkers without even looking closely at them. I am very, VERY glad that I didn’t give them away – they are NOTHING like I expected. They look like small Triscuits – no shiny surface or smug puffiness! They are salted to the gills – YES. They tasted a lot like the mass-market, oil-soaked, salty heaven corn chips that always gave me a hydrogenated headache – but without the snack hangover, an no remorse at all. Just 3 ingredients – it doesn’t get any “cleaner” than that. These crackers are probably the biggest surprise I have had since I started this blog, and I would like to thank you, Laiki, for reminding me to keep an open mind, and an open mouth. 

                 

               

Tastes like:  Healthier, better “Bugles”

Taste rating:  10/10

Qualities:  Non-GMO, Vegetarian, Vegan, Gluten-free

What’s in it:

Review - Terra Nut P'Nut Punch

Brand:  Terra Nut

Flavor:  Pnut Punch

Where to get it: here @ TerraNut.com

                Little teensy power house! These have just 3 ingredients – peanuts, oats, sugar, and what a perfect little snack they are! They seem small, but I warn you, do not pop the whole “log” into your mouth at once. The texture is a bit powdery, so bite gently, but you won’t regret it. Somehow, the initial “dryness” fades away as you chew. I’m guessing that’s the handiwork of the sugar. With the perfect balance of sweet, peanut, and somehow salty tastes, these tiny bombs are perfect for a snack, a pick me up, or a treat at night.

                 

               

Tastes like:  Sweet peanut dust

Taste rating:  8/10

Qualities:  Vegan, Vegetarian, Gluten-free, Kosher, All natural

What’s in it:

Review - Vertical Maple Water

Brand:  Vertical

Flavor:  Maple Water

Where to get it: here @ LuckyVitamin.com

                                Can someone please help me? Can you tell me if I like this or not? I’m so serious. I can’t tell. My brain was basically like…you’re on your own on this one. Hargle bargle. It’s water…but a little sweet. But not sweet like sugar sweet, sweet like if you didn’t know what the word “sweet” meant. You might then describe it as sweet, not knowing what “sweet” meant. That makes no sense. But it’s so accurate. It’s maple water, but it’s not sweet like maple syrup. It’s also not void of taste like water. I gave one to a co-worker and she LOVED it. I think it might be like Cable Guy, starring Jim Carey; I had to watch it 3 times, and then I fell in love with it. I’ll get back to you after I drink a week’s worth of this stuff. So intriguing.   

                 

               

Tastes like:  Sweet, no, water, no, sweet….water

Taste rating:  I can’t tell!!/10

Qualities:  Vegan, Vegetarian, Gluten-free

What’s in it:

Review - Urban Remedy Banana Brittle

Brand:  Urban Remedy

Flavor:  Banana Brittle

Where to get it: here @ Urban Remedy

                I am a bread monster. All kinds, all times of the day, as much as I can get. Well, not anymore, because it turns out that bread isn’t that great for you, especially if you’re a diabetic. Well shit. No more of my mom’s banana bread with an inch of butter slathered on top of it for me! But wait…what’s this? Banana…brittle? Ohhhh, I’m sure it’s just another raw chunk of dates and almonds. So then I took a bite, and I am pretty sure that glitter shot right out of my eye sockets. This tastes JUST like banana bread. JUST. LIKE. IT. The texture is different, sure…but the taste is indistinguishable to me. It’s not hard like peanut brittle, it’s more of a delicate, chewy situation.

                I love this product SO MUCH. I would like to write another entire paragraph just slobbering on and on about how much I love it, and how crazy it is to me that the flavor is just so perfect. But I suppose writing that declaration is almost as good, so I’ll spare everyone. If you like banana bread – YOU NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE.

                 

               

Tastes like:  Banana bread!!

Taste rating:  10/10

Qualities:  Raw, Gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, Certified Organic

What’s in it:

Review - Tiger's Milk Bar

Brand:  Tiger’s Milk

Flavor:  Peanut Butter & Honey

Where to get it: here @ Amazon.com

                Not to date myself, but I have been eating these for over 20 years. I still love them. I’m really impressed that you can still buy them almost anywhere – the grocery store, AM/PM, even at the fancy grocery store. The texture is PERFECT – a lot of the bars on the market could learn a lot from Tiger’s Milk. Chewy, but never tough – and the chocolate is the perfect accent flavor, not the overbearing guy in front who won’t sit down.

                I feel like they haven’t changed a thing in all the decades they have been making these little guys, and for once, I feel like that was the right call.

                 

               

Tastes like:  My childhood

Taste rating:  10/10

What’s in it:

Review - Quest Cravings Protein Peanut Butter Cups

Brand:  Quest Cravings

Flavor:  Protein Peanut Butter Cups

Where to get it: here @ QuestNutrition.com

                One of my favorite foods of all time is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They’re not healthy, they’re full of weird stuff, and…I’m diabetic. They’re not supposed to be in my life. In walk these Quest peanut butter cups like, “What up, I got 1g of sugar babe.” Okay! Upon first glance at the label, I was shocked. These have MORE grams of fat in them than Reese’s, and about the same amount of calories. Yikes. Okay, that’s fine, they are supposed to be a treat. Right? Plus, there are 20g of protein in them and hardly any refined sugars. Right? Well, the problem is…SOMEHOW, despite there being *17* grams of fat in these babies, they are dry AF. I don’t understand how this is scientifically possible. Aside from the dryness, the chocolate is VERY bitter, I assume to make up for the sugar-alcohol sweetness overload that is becoming Quest’s signature move.

                Final word:  file these under “too good to be true”. Drink a shake that you like instead.

                 

               

Tastes like:  Bitter peanut dust

Taste rating:  4/10

Qualities:  Vegetarian

What’s in it: